Further to my catalogue of last week’s debachery, I have been informed that Stella Artois have not quite finished replenishing their stocks that I ravaged. And many cows have been slaughtered to again fill the world with the hamburgers I took away from you all with my ravenous appetite. And yet… strangeness is piled upon strangeness like a plot from ‘Lost’ as… I have gained no weight, but instead have shed another pound! I know, I can’t believe it it either!
So what is my secret? Well, I think eating sensibly (and not a great deal) during the week with only miniscule treats (tiny bits of chocolate, no booze) has helped me achieve this. But I’m still waiting to get on the scales, see another great result, then the words “Just Kidding” flash up, before the scales whirl off the register and reveal my true, horrific weight gain.
Or maybe there’s a painting of me in my attic that’s getting slowly fatter…
(*Yes, I’m fed up of those lame weigh-puns, too.)